Conquering Depression + Anxiety

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 12. I went from the unstoppable and confident teenage girl that spread happiness everywhere i went (literally) to the girl who had an abundance of aggression and sadness. At first my family thought it was a hormone thing, that it'll eventually pass, and couple of days a month was cool. Eventually... I felt like that everyday. An angry and sad person. I found it very difficult to accept what was happening to me. I was used to being numb to my emotions or at least not letting them get in my way. Now I was dealing with the idea of carrying this label of anxiety and depression everywhere I went. I felt overwhelmed, weak, powerless.

Throughout high school, dealing with depression and anxiety was a struggle & got in the way of my academics & even my passion for dance. My grades were dropping, being around people made me uncomfortable, and I even stopped hanging with friends. However, now that I'm in college dealing with it has encouraged me to analyze my life. Anxiety and depression has been a wakeup call. I realized my lifestyle that created over the year or so was burning me out. I worked myself too hard. Whenever I wasn’t working or studying, I was socializing. I left no time to check in with myself or to talk to people about issues in my life. I created an environment for myself where personal issues could be hidden behind walls of work and activities. If I didn’t have to think about issues, did they even exist? If they didn’t exist, what was there to talk about? It’s tough to change that thought pattern. We live in a world where working ludicrously long hours means we are “committed” or a “hard worker”. These are things that employers, teachers, parents and peers all praise.

My family instilled an unhealthy work ethic in me, one that would make me think to earn huge success and plaudits in school, in my career, but one that burnt me out to the point of collapse. Being busy is rarely called out as a negative. Now, I’m trying to push loving myself to the top of my agenda. It’s difficult because for 90% of my life I’ve hidden from allowing myself to feel exactly what has been going on with my mental state. I suppressed it all and used thinking about me first as my therapy. Sitting with it is a lot scarier but I’m starting to feel the benefit, I’m starting to heal. I take time out my day to express my feelings whenever I think it's necessary. I journal and try to read more self help books, that'll keep my mind clear and focused. All I can say to people going through something similar is - this is scary, there is no denying that. If you can love yourself and completely experience your mental illness then you’ll be OK. Just hang in there. Take everyday day by day.